My daughter and I had an argument yesterday, when I felt defeated I came to a realization that we tend to hide who we are when it comes to our illnesses.
As she explained to me that she feels so lonely, I thought at first it is because she's 13 we go through these things, I remember feeling that way as well when I was her age but, I prodded, we argued and I had a sudden epiphany....
She feels lonely because of these illnesses..... We are limited to how much we're "allowed" to share with others for one reason or another. Sometimes it makes people uncomfortable, sometimes they look at us weirdly as if what we're saying is in a completely different language, they look at us like it's all fake, they aren't sympathetic, the list goes on and on.
For me, I've learned that most people can only care as far as they can see, when it's out of mind there is no empathy or sympathy because they don't live it. This is still a daily struggle for me but, it no longer hurts for me as much, for her it's soul crushing and difficult to get close to people for fear of unsympathetic remarks, judgement or worse.....pity.
The loneliness seems to consume you at every breath.
You learn to train yourself to say "We're good" when someone ask you "How are y'all?". You brace yourself when someone ask "How did you hurt yourself this time?". In our house this comment is a running joke, our answer is always something as simple as picking up a cup or walking across the room. This morning for example, she moved to get out of bed and popped her back in a painful way, which inturn led to me showing her how to maneuver her body inorder to not damage it further. Just getting out of bed!
I once dislocated my hip getting out of bed, I was 21 years old.
These issues are difficult to handle(we turn it into a joke as a defense mechanism) and extremely complicated.
So as her mother how do I teach her to work through this and come to terms with the fact that she will have to learn (her entire life) how to survive not only as a woman but, as an injured person?
There's not a handbook and most of the time I'm winging it, unfortunately. I try to find my boundaries (physically, emotionally and mentally) and keep going. This is so immensely difficult to look at my 13-year-old and tell her don't be sad or don't be depressed or don't be this emotion or that emotion about any of these harsh realities, instead I have to teach her how to balance these things how to continue to speak about it as often as she can with those that she does trust and does feel close to enough to share her feelings to feel safe.
To teach her that the pain we feel is normal for us, (I say that with a huge sigh). To admit that to myself.. .....the pain is forever, that we live with this pain forever, it is depressing, life shattering and a reminder of the fragility of humans as a whole.
The ridiculousness that I have to teach my children to cope with daily pain. To figure out how to balance this life that we live with the regular one and the meeting people and the doing "normal" things finding a way to explain without actually explaining what the problem is that keeps us from sharing what our lives truly are.
The only solace we have is in each other and finding safe spaces with others(which can be so exhausting) some family who understands, therapists that help us interpret our feelings and actually feel them, learn from them, cope with them in sometimes the oddest ways/times (they show up when you least expect them).
So the next time you are arguing with someone or that person is having a hard day, try to figure out why or where these feelings are coming from so these issues don't pile up to cause more problems in the future.
Side note; we both were able to break the argument barrier, figure out why it turned into an argument in the first place and started recognizing our triggers instead of hiding behind mean words while healing from those feelings.
This takes time, progress is slow but so worth it!
Till next time be kind to others, (it truly is good for your health) as well as yourself!
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